Waiting for the storm to come

Do you ever feel like shouting out loud until your lungs burst?

Do you ever feel angry for no reason? You simply just wake up in an angry mood and just want to stay curled up in bed and listen to the pitter patter of rain.

Well, my friends, that is me today.

I woke up like grumpy the dwarf. I didn’t want to wake up but I did. My son needed me. Granted he wasn’t crying out for me but I could hear him talking to himself and doing some kind of gymnastics in his cot.

So, being half awake I went to the toilet and checked up on him. He was delighted to see me and his smile made me feel warm. It didn’t however, stop me from being angry.

We then proceeded to go downstairs and be in the company of Sam and Thomas. I fed him and then played with him. Also known as chasing each other around the table and trying to scare each other.

But I still felt this anger slowly build up in me.

I then decided to do some work. Surely, ticking some stuff on my to do list would help with this rage? Nope!

I still felt this anger.

This anger was getting to me. This anger was scaring me. I have no idea what is going on with me and you know what? I hate it.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that this anger is building up in me like a storm cloud rumbling around my head. I feel like I could cry but I can’t. I feel low and I am ashamed to say this, I don’t feel like a good and even a decent mum.

I sometimes say to my husband what Winnie the Pooh character I am during the day. However, there is no character that can reflect my feelings and emotions. If I am a Disney character today it would probably a mixture of anger, disgust and sadness from Inside out. Yes, I am so mixed up today that I am not even one character!

This post is particularly hard for me to write about and really close to the bone for me. As I am sharing with you all my truest emotions today.

I know everyone has bad days and this is mine. I want to show that if you are having days like I am having today then you are not alone.

I don’t like keeping my emotions to myself. I have learned from the past that my emotions can manifest and turn into a dementor taking away most of my happiness.

I don’t want to be a turtle and hide from anyone. I am extremely lucky that I have my son who is tuned into my emotions and tries so hard to keep me going and cheering me up. I am so lucky that I can talk to my husband and even show him this. As I am frightened that when I do talk I will burst into tears and will become non-verbal.

I know some of you might not have the outlets that I have. So I want you all to know that I can be your outlet. I understand and can empathise with you on how you are feeling. I know it’s not easy. It never is. But, you don’t need to keep it to yourself and make it worse.

After showed this post to my husband I cried and cried. I couldn’t hold onto my emotions any more. He then hugged me, then James hugged me. Trying to make me feel better and you know what? James’ hug made me feel that little bit better.

So please talk to someone if you do feel like this. There are many charities set up and there is also me.

No one should ever feel alone when feeling like this. So if you need to message me. I will be there!

💖💖