2020 woes

Everyone thought 2020 was going to be “their year”. For me, it was just another year. I wasn’t really into celebrating new year.

I remember lying asleep in bed when my husband and I awoke to the sound of fireworks. Both of us turned to each other and had a quick kiss and wished each other happy new year. Then snuggled back to sleep. For me , that was a great start to the new year.

Being with the man of my dreams and being in bed, warm and safe.

That’s all I ever wanted in life. To be safe. To feel secure with someone who I can trust, who knows what to do when shit hits the fan, who is always calm ( I am not talking about fireman Sam). I am talking about my husband. He somehow manages to calm me down.

In fact, in probably one of the most weirdest situations we have ever found ourselves in. He remained remarkably calm. I was nearly having a full blown panic attack on a mountain (or large hill, I do exaggerate)! Thinking how am I going to drive down. We are stuck! He wasn’t worried at all. I never really knew, how he managed to stay so calm.

I am trying to stay calm when I am in difficult situations. Yet, the more difficult situations are rising.

This is because I am now a mum to a toddler! Not a baby! A toddler! A little person who is developing their character and can show some attitude and at times give it to me!

Now, if you are reading this and you’re a new parent. A toddler is a whole new ball game! A toddler moves a lot more and get themselves in more situations.

These situations do not help my anxiety. Imagine, you can see someone getting into a tricky situation and trying to stop them in slow motion. Your heart starts pumping harder and harder . Until you hear your own heartbeat in your head. That’s what happens to me. As soon as my son starts to climb the step ladder so he can help wash dishes or pretend to bake. When he wants peep what is inside the toilet and learn about it’s plumbing. This is making me more anxious and scared. Especially when I felt we were limited on what we can and can’t do.

This year, really didn’t make it easy for any of us!

Where we are encouraged to stay in and stay safe. I am now finding this more difficult.

There have been situations out with my own control and I just want to be there for others. I want to hug my family. I miss their pats on my back or a kiss on the forehead. I want to wrap them in bubble wrap telling them “they will be ok”. I feel like I have concentrated on them more in my head. I phone them or message them everyday. I really miss them.

The worst thing, for me, is how on earth am

I going to explain this past year to my son?

Will there be any effects on my son in the future?

I do worry that this year will impact on his social relationships and communication. We chose to use family for childcare instead of nursery. As we believe, it’s important for him to learn about family relationships and their importance. I do hope we made the right decision. I guess, we won’t know what impact this will have until James is much older.

I will just have to wait with a baited breath.

💖