Shining blue eyes

Imagine this… you work a twelve hour shift and you hear from your parents telling you, what your little amazing person has been up to. Maybe doing a milestone that they have been working up to.

You feel waves of emotion. This wave building up to a tsunami. You feel guilty that you weren’t there watching them. You feel and yet, also wonder if they would notice that you weren’t there.

Well, you are not alone in feeling these emotions. I have the same waves of emotion.

I work two days a week. For me that’s enough as I want to spend a lot of my time with my little person. I want to watch him grow into a kind and charming man. I want to teach him important life skills ( recently it’s baking chocolate cake) and show him what’s right and whats wrong. This is what I want, but I can’t. As I need to work to earn money so I can do some fun stuff with him and show him some pretty cool places. It all adds up!

In a previous post I spoke about finding the balance between mum and work life. However, I am going to concentrate on the guilt we put on ourselves when we are working.

As mums we get scrutinised if we are not working and also when we are working. Not fair!

Do dads get scrutinised? No

So why do mums get the pressure from others? Do dads get the same pressure, more so, do dads get treated the same? I will leave that for you to decide!

It has been well known for a long time that the dad works and becomes the breadwinner and the mum stays at home and becomes the house maker. Now times have changed and the cost of living has gone up. Therefore, both parents have to work to not only pay for the essentials but also to pay to create an amazing childhood for their little VIP!

As a mum I feel the pressure to work and deal with the guilt of leaving my son behind. I miss him terribly. Miss his sarcastic laugh and shouting go! I miss him wanting to dance with me and his adoring big blue eyes staring up at me.

Why do I feel the guilt? The pressure! It goes hand in hand with the guilt. It’s like a combination meal you get from a takeaway.

The guilt builds up inside and then suddenly the tsunami hits you! So you hide in the toilet and have a little cry to yourself. Missing your little person’s touch and laugh. Missing their milestones whether it will be the first time they said a name or a first step in the great outdoors. You just wish you could twitch your nose and move to where they are so you can see them.

It’s heartbreaking. I have been working for the past 7 months and just like waves my emotions comes and go. Sometimes I am so busy that these emotions don’t build up but other days they do.

So I here you ask. What do I do? I find a quiet place and close my eyes and count taking deep breaths to calm me down. It does work and my eyes don’t go red (a big plus there) and I feel calm and happy that my little person is showing off to other people who he loves. So I do feel a little bit proud of him.

That’s why when I spend time with my little person and teach him some amazing and some hilarious things! I have even started to make a list (I do love a list) of what I want to do and what I want to see with him. Some of them are completely out there!

As this article is pretty intense I have decided to share some of my list! You may want to do some of them or simply have a laugh!

• See Thomas the tank engine.
• Go to a castle/palace
• Go to a science centre
• Have a picnic in a woodland
• Look for the gruffalo

I hope this post helps other mums out there. Remember you are not alone. If you need to talk, talk to someone or email me. In the words of Frasier “I am listening” 💖

Happy Valentines Day! Or as I like to call it happy hallmark day!

I personally don’t see the point of Valentine’s Day for one big reason. What’s the point in proclaiming your love for someone when you already should be doing that?

Ok, here is the slushy part of my life. Whenever I am messaging or on the phone to my husband we always say “love you”, or occasionally, “I really love you and I really like you ” at the end of our conversations. I know slushy right? But I don’t care. As you never know what could happen. We show and tell each other this a lot every single day and not just twice a year!

I personally don’t see the point in spending a lot of money for just two days of the year. What’s wrong with just the occasional surprise present?

Whilst raising my son I want to show and explain to him about the importance of love. Not just love for his other half but the importance of love in a family. My son already shows how much he loves my husband and I, by running into our arms when we come home from work, with a huge smile on his face.

He also shows his love to his grandad’s and grandma’s by smiling at them and occasionally running into their arms.

I want him to know the importance of showing his love and also the importance of love in a family.

He is still very young to know this but by showing how we treat each other, with care, will have an impact on him.

Babies can pick up on a lot of emotions and can detect if something is wrong. For example; today I have been struck with the cold. What did my 14 month old son do? He decided to run to me with a book and got on my lap so I can read to him. He also played with my hair (which I find relaxing) and had a nap with me on the sofa. It was the perfect morning. What made it perfect was the bond we shared and how he cared for me in his own unique way. For me that is LOVE!

If I didn’t tell him and sign him that “I love you” everyday would he look after me? I honestly don’t know. Will he continue to show me how much he cares in the future I don’t know. However, what I do know is I will love him unconditionally, till the end of the line. I tell him that everyday!

So, hopefully after reading the post tell your family how much you love them. Not just today but everyday. Make each day count. Share the love 💓

So I have decided to do something different in this blog post. As my previous posts have been pretty heavy and filled with emotion. I don’t want all my posts to be sad and serious.

Since posting my previous blog I have felt better. Writing my thoughts down has helped me and also speaking to my family. So in this post I thought I would discuss the funny side of motherhood.

Before motherhood I didn’t realise how a little human can turn my life upside down ,but in a good way. However, what people didn’t tell you was a little human can embarrass you in many ways.

My son is a very charming baby and would look at a complete stranger until they looked back at him. Then naturally he would smile at them and laugh. This is to a complete stranger!

But he chooses who to interact with, sometimes it can be the other way round. However, He wouldn’t smile at them but would give them the hardstare (he has perfected this now)! So this complete stranger is left wondering what on Earth is wrong with him! There is nothing wrong with him, he is just picky.

We have just started to go out with him for meals. However, we are not so confident with him eating politely outside. As he eats, spits the food back out and then sometimes eats it again or throws it onto the ground. This leads to him to launch his food across the table. Sometimes it is not his food but his bottle! So if you anyone out there has any tips please let me know! He would like talk in a high pitched sing song voice, but we don’t even know what he is saying! But whatever he is saying, I am sure dogs would understand!

It’s amazing watching babies grow up into what they think is adulthood. Watching their little noses scrunch up when they try pineapple for the first time, then bite into it happily after a lot of persistence.

When they go into a huff immediately when you say no for the first time, is probably one of the most priceless moments in motherhood. My son found his spot to have a huff in (just at the side of a sofa). You can’t help but laugh as well as thinking how cute it is.

This leads me onto their first time. The first time they have a tantrum. Isn’t it just adorable? Again, you just want to laugh, and say the quote many parents have said in the past “I invented that”! It is always over something so small like saying no to them because they were trying to reach for your phone or remote control. Sometimes they take a tantrum because they dropped a toy. It’s amazing what can make them upset.

These are just a few examples of the funny side of motherhood. As I don’t want to embarrass my son too much on here. If there are different ways your little person makes you laugh on here then please leave a comment or contact me! It’s great sharing funny stories 😂😍❤️

I know it’s near the end of January but this month has been incredibly hard on me and hard on my family.

My anxiety has been tested in many ways this month. Due to my son turning into a daredevil and trying things out for himself. This is all good in itself but it plays havoc with me. I have this gut wrenching feeling that he will hurt himself or worse have an injury.

I do let him try out things for himself. As that is how he learns, but I watch him constantly like a hawk, ready to use my quick mum reflexes to catch him. Sometimes I might not be as quick and he bumps his head. Naturally he cries and obviously I cry with him in harmony. Only because I fill up with guilt that I let him do it. I hate the feelings I get when he cries after a fall. A lot of people say that is what toddlers do when they start walking and exploring for the first time. But, I have my heart pounding faster and faster when the slow motion fall begins to happen. I just want to race to him and protect him from landing on the floor. I just want to protect him at all costs. Basically, I want to put him in bubble wrap and not let him get hurt. So when he falls he will simply bounce up with no scratches or bumps!

This feeling has been with me for nearly 4 months and it hasn’t escaped.

Since he took his first step into the world. Since his world got a little bit bigger. Since his big eyes are full of wide possibilities for him to get into trouble with.

My heart is pounding more and more. My heart rate has escalated at times and I sometimes feel it will pop out of my chest (just like in some cartoons).

It is one of the worst parts of being a mum and I hate it. I hate it, that I am wired to be so anxious and scared when he runs around the place. What if he slips on a toy? What if he trips on a mat? What if he looses his balance cause he is tired and walks like Baymax (big hero 6 is a great movie). These are some of the few worries I have.

Before someone thinks that this women needs to tidy up. I do! Also have you met a tidy a toddler? If you also wonder why I let my son walk when he is tired. I don’t! He is so determined that he manages to slide down me to get onto the floor and get a ball.

It’s so hard being wired this way. Full of these worries that happen most of the day. Does it get easier nope!

It would be great to have a day when I am not like this, but, I don’t think that will ever happen.

I have spoke about my worries to my husband who does try to understand how I feel ( bless him). But, I don’t know if he will ever truly realise how they can affect me and my mood. Sometimes this can make me feel alone. Make me feel that there is no one out there that truly understands the moment when your baby/toddler cries that you just want to cry with them cause you feel bad. Understands the worries when your baby is doing something new and that increasing their risk of injury.

I felt so lonely as I didn’t want to talk to anyone, even my friends. I didn’t know if they would understand what I am going through.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I know I am lucky that I have a husband who has stuck by me and is trying to help me and I am incredibly grateful for that. It’s not easy being anxious and feeling alone at the same time and that is why I posting about this. To open up a world, a safe world to talk about our anxieties that we share.

So I am going to do something about this. I will be looking into ways to ease my anxieties of being a mum. So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have even started baking again to take away some of my worries.

What this month shows is that I am strong and I can get through this. Even if it will take time. I have an amazing family who have stuck by me and a son who simply adores me. Even if he likes to scare me now and again!

I am hoping that just by putting out my feelings will help me get through this. I am hoping that other mums who are reading this know they are not alone. I am hoping this will allow the chance for other people to talk to each other and open up honestly on how we are feeling. 💗💗💗

That you are in charge of a little human. A human that relies on you for everything. You feel a huge wave of responsibility of caring and bringing them up in this scary and also crazy world. You worry about things, your parents wouldn’t have been worried about 20 years ago!

Is it just me Or is it a pressure we have put on ourselves? If this sounds like you then please, feel free to PM me as personally I think it is good that parents talk to each other about how we are getting on, in this new world of parenting. I have met mums and we talk to each other and give each other reassurance and encouragement. It is great talking to them who understand what I am are going through. If it wasn’t for them then I would be even more tough on myself!

My son is now 1 and let’s just say I am feeling more responsibility now! Partly, cause he is now developing his character of an adventurous, inquisitive and mischievous little boy.

It is a delight watching his personality grow but I now worry more than ever! My son likes to walk a lot even without assistance but, I worry, what if he falls badly and hurts his head or breaks something. My heart immediately goes into my mouth and I feel it beating heavily until, my husband or myself consoles him. It is the worst feeling as I feel bad that I let him walk by himself. I immediately feel a wave of guilt. He will cry and I will sometimes join him and cry too as I can see how much it hurts him. It is so horrible watching your child cry and you know you could have prevented it from happening. I just wish I could put some kind of bubble around him so he can simply bounce up when he falls. But alas, I can’t .

This guilt continues throughout my life. I felt a huge amount of guilt today when I went with him to get his jags and he cried so much and I consoled him. I know that some people don’t agree with immunisations but it is my choice and I want to protect him. I wanted to protect him at all costs, even though he cried. It made me feel bad and made me feel so much more guilt that I contributed to making him more upset. So to make it up to him I gave him more hugs and kisses.

However, this doesn’t take away any of my guilt. Did I do the right thing? Should I have said no?

It is the worst feeling.

Having a little human is the best. If someone told me 5 years ago I would have a family, I would begin laughing and possibly spitting out a drink. However, I love my family despite the huge responsibility and worries that come my way.

I can be a very worried and anxious person. I know a lot of people say don’t worry but it is hard for me to stop worrying.

I worry a lot about my son. I worry about him reaching his milestones, I worry about me doing the right thing for him. It all builds up! I feel so responsible for his actions and well being and sometimes it can be too much and I admit it I cry. Sometimes for an unknown reason or sometimes because of a certain little dragon in a Christmas advert!

Parenting can be so overwhelming jammed pack with a mixture of emotions. Sometimes you can have good days and other days can be tough. It’s then when I wish I don’t feel so much pressure and responsibility and, I just want to snuggle with my son on a sofa, with no cares in the world.

Don’t get me wrong I love being a mum but I hate being a blubbery mess!

So, I haven’t posted recently as I am now back at work.

Yes, the most daunting thing about being a mum happened a few months ago!

So, as you can imagine, after my maternity leave ended. I was an emotional wreck. I cried and cried. When I dropped him off with family, who were delighted to have him. I continued to cry uncontrollably in the car on the way to work. I have never felt so bad leaving my son with my family. Never

But why did I cry?

Mostly cause I felt guilt. I work 12 hour shifts twice a week so I don’t see my son for 2 days. It’s horrible not seeing him for that length of time. I miss his dirty laugh and I miss him walking to me to give me a hug. Even though he can be mischievous and can drive me nuts by throwing toys everywhere! I still miss him.

A lot of people say “oh, you will be glad to get a rest when you are at work away from him”. But I am not glad to be away from him.

I felt that I should have stayed with him and that I shouldn’t work. But, I have to work so I can give him the childhood that I had. A childhood where we can go off on adventures and go on mystery tours. Where he and I can share magical moments together. Is that too much to ask? No

I have been working for the past few months now. So I have now got used to being away from my son for 12 hours. But, I still miss him like crazy. I sometimes wish that I am a stay at home mum or work from home. Fat chance there!

However, at this moment in time I can’t do that . This does put slightly more stress on me. Fun fact being a mum is two full time jobs! So working two long days and spending a lot of time with my son means I have very little time to focus on myself.

So just now I am watching a George Clarke programme and thought I should probably start back working on my blog (aka myself). Focus back on my life and my future. As I like writing my thoughts and what it is truly like as a mum.

I should say that I do know single mums and I take my hat off to you all! You are all marvellous women and should be proud of yourselves of what you have accomplished. Your little ones will be proud calling you mum ❤️

So my blogs are about being a first time mum and the realities of it.

So this part of my blog is about today…

It has been tough for me. Only had a few hours of sleep and my emotions are all over the place.

Today i have been crying for no logical reason (have to admit I was watching greys anatomy).

Today I am scared to go outside for no reason.

Today I am scared to ask my parents or my fiancé’s parents for help, for no reason.

Today i just want to stay in my little bubble, for no reason.

Do I know why. Why I feel like this?

Probably.

It could be that I am exhausted and I am hormonal.

However, why am I so ashamed to contact my people for help?

Why do I feel like this?

I have no idea.

I am not usually like this. So this is unusual for me.

Being a first time mum is mentally hard understandably this is gaining more attention.

Being a first time is draining. If you’re breastfeeding it’s literally draining. I feel more hungry than ever because of course my son gets a lot of my calories.

At time of writing I feel like a big fat cow with my son sucking my finger. I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I should be giving him more. More of me.

If you know what I mean thats great. For others, it’s like I just want to give my son the best of myself x2.

I push myself to ensure I give my son the best start of life. That means I wake up when he wakes up. I try to sleep when he sleeps. I feed him when he is hungry. I take him to classes to stimulate his senses. I read to him as much as possible. I entertain him with my silly voices and dance moves. I teach him about words, colours and winnie the pooh. I hold him close when he is crying. I am there for him! 24/7. Apparently being a mum is the same hours as two full time jobs!

However, I want to give him more because he deserves it.

How? I don’t know.

If anyone does let me know.

Feeling the way I am is heartbreaking. I feel like I am failing as a mum. I know I am doing the best I can but of course its not what I want.

This post is not a pity me post but to show what us mum’s go through. Well this mum.

“Pushing down on me” don’t worry I am not going to start reciting Queen. Instead I will talk/moan about the pressure myself and many new mums have now.

A pressure I have and been battling with is breastfeeding. However, I am slowly becoming confident with breastfeeding in public (yay)!

Another pressure I am facing is trying to maintain a tidy and clean house. This is very hard when you have a baby that doesn’t sleep much during the day (can’t complain there). I worry that when I have friends and family over they will judge my messy home. So I put a lot of pressure on myself to clean a room or do laundry. If I don’t I have a lot of guilt. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself, but I do. Sometimes I try to meet somewhere else so I don’t feel ashamed.

This takes us to another pressure – socialising. I am a first time mum and with that comes a lot of ANXIETIES when I go out alone without my son. Sure, its great going out but, if you are anything like me, you will worry non stop! I have only been out a few times and yet I miss my son like I am missing a limb. I feel under a lot of pressure and guilt that I shouldn’t be out without him. Yet, I also feel pressure that I should go out with friends. Should I go? Probably should but as I pointed earlier it’s hard.

VERY HARD. I am slowly going out more for a few hours at a time. I guess that’s what it’s going to take time!

The other pressure I face is trying to be “the stepford wife”. I admit it I don’t put a meal out on the table every night. As I am shattered. I do feel terrible and I do feel a lot of pressure to cook. Dealing with a baby who is very stubborn and demands a lot of attention from me, takes away the time for cooking. It means I need to choose what’s more important my son or food. 1000% my son is more important. He is my little sun and gives me something that no one or anything can give. So I prioritise him more. However, I feel that I should cook a meal for my partner and myself but sometimes I just simply can’t. Even though, my partner is very understanding I put a lot pressure on myself. I just want to take a little time to chill, whilst facing the guilt.

I do think many mums go through this and I hope this shows how much we go through daily.

I am not a big fan of clichés but it is good to talk. So talk to your loved ones and they should be able to help.

In my last post I discussed how breastfeeding can take its toll on any new mum.

As a new mum I was initially finding it difficult. I am still having difficulty, but, the difficulty surfaces when I am out in public.

Should I breastfeed?

Should I use the bottle?

Are the two main questions I ask myself before I go out with my little one. Sure breastfeeding is good. Even though I love my son very much, I don’t have the confidence to breastfeed in public.

I wish I have the confidence to tell those people who are watching with the judgemental eyes where to go. I wish that the public do not judge.

Being on a social media platform I read stories about women breastfeeding in public and how they retaliated. However, not everyone is like this.

I do not have the confidence to say to other people where to go or simply “jog on”. This puts pressure on me. So I have to use the bottle. This takes away some of the beautiful moments with him.

Do I feel bad? Of course! I have to get the bottle ready, which is no picnic! Especially when doing it one handed. Handling a flask of water and making sure it’s all the right temperature for him. Is hard work. It also doesn’t help that my son will get impatient and try to cry the roof down…embarrassing and yet feeling like a failure.

A failure because I am not breastfeeding my son and it is best. A failure because he is getting impatient and crying so much because he is hungry. It is one of the worst feelings a mum will go through.

So why don’t I breastfeed?

Judgement

I am scared of what people would think of me if I breastfeed my son out in public:

Judging me, thinking that I am not doing it right (there are many different ways of breastfeeding and there is no wrong way) .

Judging me, because they can’t accept such a beautiful moment of motherhood and thinking I should be doing it I’m private.

Don’t new mums have enough on their mind?

Yes.

Having to go through the motions of motherhood can be mentally challenging and having judgement cast on us can cause us to become anxious (or more).

As I can become anxious this means for me that I can’t go out of the house for too long as I know my son will want to be breastfed as it calms him down. For someone who spent most of their time out. Is hard. I only feel relaxed to breastfeed at mine or at my parents. I would love to say out for longer but I feel more safe at mine away from prying eyes. Away from JUDGEMENT.

So I ask you, don’t mums have the right to breastfeed anywhere without the prying eyes of the public?

YES!

To the public do not judge any mums feeding their babies. We have enough on our plate! We also have the most important job in the world.

Another name for nipples devised by Chris Traeger in Parks and Recreation (its on amazon and a hilarious show).

So if you are a guy reading this don’t be scared by this posts title, just carry on reading. Afterwards you will have empathy for us mums. By the way if you are wondering breastfeeding is like a baster sucking your nipples (don’t ask)!

My son is currently 7 weeks and I am breastfeeding. NHS advises breast is best. You know what? Breastfeeding is hard too. Did they emphasise how hard it would be. Yes, but you don’t really understand how hard it is once you are breast feeding.

Yes, it’s good for babies as they will get the nutrients and the antibodies you are producing. Yes, it’s good for the mums and helps to bond the mother and baby.

However, it is bloody tiring. For me my son latched on as soon as he entered this world. However, in the first day he was deciding what he wanted. Was it his position? Yes.

A mum has to try to get their little one into the right position so they can latch on. For me this continues to be hard as my son is a wriggler and is getting bloody strong as well as growing. Positioning takes time. Mum’s have to ensure their baby is close to them. Mum’s need to ensure that their babys head is supported but free. Mum’s need to make sure their baby’s nose, knees and bellybutton are facing the same way. Mum’s have to line their boob hats with their babys nose. Mum’s need to ensure them and their baby is comfortable. You think this would be easy right?

No, for me at first breastfeeding was difficult. I couldn’t find the right position for my son. This was hard for me.

One of my greatest fears during my pregnancy was my baby wouldn’t accept my breast. My baby wouldn’t want breast fed. Would I fail as a mother?

Yes, I had tried and tried so hard. The NHS midwives were great on my ward. They spent time with me and giving me reassurance. However, I was still scared that my son wouldn’t latch. I tried different positions some worked then didn’t. It really is that difficult. As a mum you would persevere, as you want what’s best for your baby.

At night I felt worse. There was no family and my partner went home before 10. It was just me and my son. I had to take care of this little human who belongs to me. A lot of pressure right? I changed his nappies (a lot) and tried to feed him. Some of the times he accepted. Some of the times he didn’t. My son and I were getting used to each other. I can’t bear to imagine what he would be thinking over the first two nights. Trying to remember how to get your child in the right position and ensure they are comfortable (on only a couple of hours of sleep) is very difficult.

I found it so hard that I even had to learn how to hand express. That was hard for me. I felt broken and felt that I failed. I wanted my son to accept my breast. I felt I was under pressure to breastfeed my son. I felt that he was refusing to be close to me. I felt that he was refusing me as his mum. It was very tough for me at that time. I worked so hard to breastfeed. I also think many other mums on the ward were trying so hard too.

However, after reassurances from the staff. I tried hand expressing which worked to some effect.

I still felt low. It wasn’t until a midwife helped me to get my son into a position which worked for me and him. Yes, it took time, but, I felt relieved. I got some confidence. However, now I still have some difficulties.

Now, thinking about the first few days I was thinking: Why, would I do that to myself? Why, would I put so much pressure on myself? The media.

Mums out there don’t feel like a failure. Yes, try. However, don’t feel the pressure. Do what’s best for you and your little one. Whether it be expressing or having to use formula (there’s no right or wrong way). As long as you are looking after your baby to the best of your abilities. That’s the main thing. Be the best mum to your baby. Remember every mum will have a breastfeeding issue.

If you’re a dad still reading this (thank you) please ask your partner how she is when breastfeeding. Ask your partner if you can do anything to make them comfortable or be there for them to talk too. Please don’t put pressure on your partner as they will be feeling it!