In hindsight…

So today I was cleaning my fridge (something I have been meaning to do for a while) and listening to one of the greatest bands in the world Fleetwood Mac. With many thoughts running laps in my head.

Most of my thoughts were about the past.

Why? Why am I doing this to myself?

I don’t really have an answer.

However, I may have a theory. To better myself.

Yes, I have made mistakes in the past (who hasn’t) have I learned from them? YES

In hindsight is probably the best term. In hindsight I learned I was naive and was a follower. My big mistake from this, I was trying to be someone else.

I was hiding the fact that I was secretly dancing to cheesy 90s music. I was hiding my insecurities (which I will talk about when I am ready). I was masking myself.

However, now I make it no secret. I have seen Steps 4 times. Even though I get the mick taken out of me, I don’t care! I am proud of this little yet weird accomplishment. I don’t care that I remember most of the dance moves. I am proud of who I am. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. I am not ashamed. I am not scared.

I want to teach my son this. I want him to be proud of himself. I want him to feel free to be himself.

Hiding who you are is hard. What I am trying to say is. Be who you are. Don’t care what people say.

In the words of Fleetwood Mac “you can go your own way”.

What to expect when you’re expecting

Many people especially mums will pass on advice. Many people will say “ooh, you’re going to have sleepless nights”. Some of this is true, some of this isn’t!

I have new found respect and appreciation for every mum out there. After my son arrived into this beautiful yet terrifying world.

My mum has been amazing and I love her and appreciate her so much more now. However, she didn’t tell me a couple of things…

One thing was your son will manipulate you so quickly (and he has). Babies are clever and determined. THEY know what they want and will not stop crying (or make cute noises and faces) until they get what they want. This is very true with my son!

Sleepless nights are hard very hard! Once, you eventually, get your baby to sleep you can finally get some sleep. You would think. Alas, not exactly. If you are like me you will worry if your baby is quiet. SIDS are one of the many issues that the health professionals talk about. What they don’t talk about is how the constant worry of SIDS affect you mentally. Trying to stay up to ensure your little one is asleep can take a toll on you. With constant worrying until tiredness takes over. I still worry when I go to sleep (end up having nightmares sometimes). However, you can’t survive on 4 hours or less of sleep. It’s so difficult. You feel lifeless and yet still expected to perform to the best of your abilities as a mum.

I was like this for my first week…it was hard. Having little sleep took its toll on me. Felt so low and cried when he cried and I couldn’t console him. I felt that I was failing as a mum as my son wouldn’t calm down. I didn’t know what to do. With my hormones all over the place and not many hours of sleep it was like I was sinking into a black hole. I didn’t know if I could come out of it. I couldn’t work out how to articulate my feelings.

Worse thing about feeling so low was my other half didn’t know what to do. He tried so hard to make me feel better and empower me but it didn’t work. He had to phone my mum and speak to her. She knew what I was feeling. She managed to calm me down. She managed to feel a little bit better.

It turned out I was suffering from baby blues which is common post pregnancy. The main reason I posted this is to show how it can affect not only the mum but also the family.. I cant bear to imagine how my other have felt. With health professionals now asking dad’s how they are feeling post pregnancy is great. So mum’s out there talk to the dads asking open questions. As they might be feeling the same as you. Communication is key and will also make your own relationship stronger.

Not all posts will be this heavy. So please keep looking out for my next post!

Why shining blue eyes?

I am sure this would be your first question!

The main reason for the name is my son and my future husband. Us three have blue eyes and when I look into their sparkling blue eyes (I am sure they would be embarrassed I called their eyes sparkling) I see our shining future.

If you are anything like me, my mind concentrates so hard on the past and not as much on the future. This year I will not do this. This blog is not a “new year, new me”. This blog is how I can help myself and hopefully others (especially new mums like me) on how to look forward to the future and not focus on the past.

I am not going to say I will post every day, week or month. However, I will post as often as I can. I have so many thoughts that I am sure many people have and are too scared to say.

So today I will just quote Michael Jackson “you are not alone”. 💞

I hope you enjoyed my first ever blog. Keep a look out for my next one which will come out soon.