New year same problems

I know it’s near the end of January but this month has been incredibly hard on me and hard on my family.

My anxiety has been tested in many ways this month. Due to my son turning into a daredevil and trying things out for himself. This is all good in itself but it plays havoc with me. I have this gut wrenching feeling that he will hurt himself or worse have an injury.

I do let him try out things for himself. As that is how he learns, but I watch him constantly like a hawk, ready to use my quick mum reflexes to catch him. Sometimes I might not be as quick and he bumps his head. Naturally he cries and obviously I cry with him in harmony. Only because I fill up with guilt that I let him do it. I hate the feelings I get when he cries after a fall. A lot of people say that is what toddlers do when they start walking and exploring for the first time. But, I have my heart pounding faster and faster when the slow motion fall begins to happen. I just want to race to him and protect him from landing on the floor. I just want to protect him at all costs. Basically, I want to put him in bubble wrap and not let him get hurt. So when he falls he will simply bounce up with no scratches or bumps!

This feeling has been with me for nearly 4 months and it hasn’t escaped.

Since he took his first step into the world. Since his world got a little bit bigger. Since his big eyes are full of wide possibilities for him to get into trouble with.

My heart is pounding more and more. My heart rate has escalated at times and I sometimes feel it will pop out of my chest (just like in some cartoons).

It is one of the worst parts of being a mum and I hate it. I hate it, that I am wired to be so anxious and scared when he runs around the place. What if he slips on a toy? What if he trips on a mat? What if he looses his balance cause he is tired and walks like Baymax (big hero 6 is a great movie). These are some of the few worries I have.

Before someone thinks that this women needs to tidy up. I do! Also have you met a tidy a toddler? If you also wonder why I let my son walk when he is tired. I don’t! He is so determined that he manages to slide down me to get onto the floor and get a ball.

It’s so hard being wired this way. Full of these worries that happen most of the day. Does it get easier nope!

It would be great to have a day when I am not like this, but, I don’t think that will ever happen.

I have spoke about my worries to my husband who does try to understand how I feel ( bless him). But, I don’t know if he will ever truly realise how they can affect me and my mood. Sometimes this can make me feel alone. Make me feel that there is no one out there that truly understands the moment when your baby/toddler cries that you just want to cry with them cause you feel bad. Understands the worries when your baby is doing something new and that increasing their risk of injury.

I felt so lonely as I didn’t want to talk to anyone, even my friends. I didn’t know if they would understand what I am going through.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I know I am lucky that I have a husband who has stuck by me and is trying to help me and I am incredibly grateful for that. It’s not easy being anxious and feeling alone at the same time and that is why I posting about this. To open up a world, a safe world to talk about our anxieties that we share.

So I am going to do something about this. I will be looking into ways to ease my anxieties of being a mum. So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have even started baking again to take away some of my worries.

What this month shows is that I am strong and I can get through this. Even if it will take time. I have an amazing family who have stuck by me and a son who simply adores me. Even if he likes to scare me now and again!

I am hoping that just by putting out my feelings will help me get through this. I am hoping that other mums who are reading this know they are not alone. I am hoping this will allow the chance for other people to talk to each other and open up honestly on how we are feeling. 💗💗💗